Beauty knows no pain? No! Beauty knows pain. Or uncomfortablilty anyway.

I bought a tube of that moisturizing self-tanner this week, the kind that gradually darkens your skin all the while increasing its softness and bounceability. Wait...is that right? Anyway, like for normal self-tanner, applicants are advised not to dress until the lotion has dried completely. So I stripped down, lathered up, and was left dancing around my bedroom in the buff until the stuff dried. I did all manner of things while waiting, like checking my email, painting my toenails, and a bit of light cleaning. Half an hour passed, and I still felt sticky. It seemed evident that the lotion would never dry completely. Even now, 14 hours later, I can feel it. Well, I did buy the Banana Boat brand of moisturizing self-tanner, that same Banana Boat of SPF 30 fame. It was the cheapest, and I should have known that anything made by a sunscreen company would probably closely resemble sunscreen. Which it does. The upside: I had a good excuse to be naked for an extended period of time today. And any excuse to be naked is good enough for me.

Ok, I take that back. There are more good reasons to be clothed than there are good reasons to be naked. For instance, taking your drivers test, getting inaugurated, volunteering in a retirement home, or directing an orchestra. These are all excellent experiences that would be greatly diminished were one to not wear the appropriate attire. Some good opportunities to be naked: taking a shower, applying self-tanner, waltzing matilda...um, that's all I can think of. There should be more opportunities to be naked. Who agrees with me?

I have also been using some Crest Whitestrips that one of my roommates left behind. They are weird and hard to get used to. It takes a few tries to achieve the perfect application technique when using the strips. You peel one off its plastic backing and stick the gooey side to your crusty old incisors, and then thirty minutes later...Voila! A gleaming smile and you are ready for your close-up. Right? Ha! Hahahahaha...ha... If only.

Understand this. If you have slightly abmormal teeth that aren't perfect and small and straight, i.e. if you have big ole chipmunk teeth like me with a canine that aspires to be a fang, the strips are going to be a little harder to deal with than the commercials want you to think. First of all, the bleaching agent, aka the weird poofy gel, doesn't exactly taste like toothpaste. It is, after all, some sort of bleach. But, ok. We can get used to the taste. Also, if you, like me, would like the entire tooth to be whiter, and not just the bottom 2/3rds or so, you're going to have to bleach a little of your gums as well to get at the whole tooth, possibly increasing gum sensitivity. This can cause some slight discomfort if you decide to, say, bite into a popsicle soon after removing the strips.

The most ridiculous part of the whole thing is found in the instructions. Crest says*, "Wowee. Our strips are so easy to use that you can do many household chores while wearing them, including vacuuming, beating your children, or even catching up with your pals on the phone." I can just imagine what the phone conversation would sound like to an eavesdropper.

Crest Whitestrip Wearer: "Hmmphnuuggnmn. (pause) (slurp) Mfffnnugginn ushhhlumrrrph. (pause) (slurp) Fnnuuuummmegggeebbuulll."

It is unbelieveable how much saliva a strip generates while in your mouth. You may soon find yourself relating to those with limited body-control and motor functions much more easily. And there are always those times that you will forget you read this, have a strip in your mouth, someone ask you something, and you lean over to reply, only to find yourself having deposited a huge glob of spit onto your blue jeans. And I do mean it when I say huge. Consider yourself warned.

*disclaimer: This is not an exact quote. It's more of a paraphrase. Or something.